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"Lon Kieffer, Male NURSE!?"
How we keep ourselves from achieving our own goals!
Let's talk for a moment about self-destructive behavior. Some of these traits are obvious. The young professional who wants to "keep it real" by speaking frankly when nuances and subtleties are called for, and then doesn't understand why promotions are not forthcoming despite his hard work and raw talent. And then there's the stubborn boss who demands that things be "my way or the highway" and has chronic turnover in his areas of influence. Or what about the proud and independent woman who wants to "stand on my own" and as a result grows old and lonely. We can see personal habits such as; smoking, over-eating, gambling, philandering and cheating, and we can recognize addictions or compulsive behavior. But what is even far more destructive over time and much less obvious is the way we think and the conclusions we draw from these thinking processes. I profess on most of my speaking engagements that, "you are what you think of yourself..... so be nice to you." But to expand on this further, according to David Burns, MD (and others), "you feel the way you think" as well. Your emotions result entirely from the way you look at things. You must understand what is happening to you before you can feel it. If your perception of things (or yourself) is distorted; your response will be also. In my keynote, "Lon Kieffer, Male NURSE!?" I address "The Top Ten Ways We Sabotage Ourselves" and discuss in a humorous laugh-at-ourselves manner the ten Cognitive Disorders that lead us to distort our thinking and therefore, our feelings. One of my favorite of these is a thought process known as Disqualifying the Positive. This is the habit of rejecting positive experiences by insisting that "they don't count" for some reason. This allows you subconsciously to maintain a negative belief despite strong everyday evidence to the contrary. By way of example I will relate a true-to-life story for the Life of Lon File. I call it the "Michael Didn't Count File." Several years ago I was in a personal conversation with a female co-worker of mine. Each of us was single; me having been recently divorced; she having been widowed within the past two years. We each were in relationships (not with each other) and while not necessarily considering marriage we were at least talking (and thinking) about marriage. Our discussion turned to a third party who had recently walked the aisle for the fourth time; soon we were taking bets on how long this marriage would last. That is when Kelly said, "well look at me, this would be my third time!" (Kelly had been married and divorced prior to being recently widowed). My reaction to this was; "no Kelly, that's not true, Michael didn't count." Kelly's reaction to this comment was volatile to say the least. She became very upset with me concluding that I was implying that her marriage to Michael did not count and that I was in essence, discounting her relationship with him. In fact, I was doing the exact opposite. I was celebrating their relationship by trying to point out that a long relationship with a man she loved that ended in his death with her at his bedside should not be lumped in numerically or any other way with "failed marriages" and divorce. Their relationship was a success; not a failure! -- and in that way it "didn't count" because we were counting failed relationships. Kelly was DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE. Kelly was subconsciously insecure about how other people perceived her relationship with Michael. They both met over twenty years ago after each had survived very volatile marriages and ugly divorces. When Michael became ill and the newly enacted HIPPAA regulations made it difficult for Kelly to get information and mounting medical bills made it prudent to share benefit expenses they had a shotgun wedding of sorts. After twenty years together they got married at the hospital bedside during business hours. Sadly, several months later, Michael passed away thereby ending, in my mind, a very successful, albeit short, marriage. Due to some internal anguish or concern about the perception of others Kelly had fallen victim to DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE when she allowed this sad but beautiful relationship to be lumped in with "failed" relationships. To this day Kelly and I laugh about this opportunity for growth in our relationship. And when we see this behavior in other people, we look at teach other, smile and say "Michael didn't count." On occasion, we use our story for the benefit of others. This leads me back to several staple theories that I share when I speak: First and foremost being; it is none of your business what other people think about you! And, secondly, you can not allow your actions to be influenced by their perceptions. Other examples of disqualifying the positive that are less intense but destructive in their subtlety. When the Delaware Healthcare Facilities Association chose to honor me as the Administrator of the Year my reaction was; "well, it's a small state and they had to give it to somebody." For me, this is an attempt at humor and humility in an effort to combat a subconscious fear of being considered cocky. Thus, self-deprecating humor is a cornerstone of my personality. Beware of this habit! Once you say something at some level you begin to believe these things and they can influence the way you feel about yourself; even when you are just joking around. Avoid "cold water" statements. Are you one that when receiving a compliment your natural reaction is to say; "Yeah, BUT..." And then proceed to joke about yourself or the accomplishment? STOP IT! DON'T GO AROUND SHOWING YOUR "BUT" TO EVERYONE! And don't let those around you get away with it either. TAKE YOUR SUCCESSES WHERE YOU FIND THEM ("Get Out of Bed and Go to Work! Commandment #8). When you receive a compliment stand up and say; "THANK YOU, IT IS ABOUT TIME YOU NOTICED-- AND THAT'S NOT ALL, I'M ALSO A GREAT SINGER!" "The sun will come out tomorrow... you can bet your bottom dollar....." |
