“When Generations Collide, Feelings Get Hurt"

Lon the Home-Wrecker?!

… I never figured myself as the home-wrecker type, but sometimes we just don’t know our own impact and potential.

A well-used quote from an unknown source is that; “a lot of people have gone further than they thought they could because someone else thought they could (see: “Famous Quotes” for other thoughts on “Mentoring”).”  Boy did I learn this lesson recently when someone I was, uhmm, mentoring managed to go a lot farther than my wildest dreams ever could have imagined.

Before I explain about how I am a home-wrecker allow me to introduce you to Carol (not her real name).  Carol and I have worked together for over ten years and in many ways “Carol” is an amalgamation of all the persons and personalities that personified and helped me see the “Get Out of Bed and Go to Work!” way of life.  Carol is the one person I could always turn to when I needed to find a mentor for someone new to the role of “Caregiver.”  She is one of those rare folks who can combine years of experience with a youthful enthusiasm and outlook for her profession. 

Carol's one insecurity in life was her complete phobia with regards to utilizing a computer.  When we made the decision to implement a paper-less medical record system she became overly anxious and almost panicked at the thought of interacting with a computer.  But alas, the goodwill Carol had achieved through mentoring close to 100 “Generation Y and Millenial” (1980 – 2002) co-workers over the past 10 years served as a sort of “airbag” in the vehicle of life.  (Remember: use all resources in your organization including the talents of every member of your organization; we all can lead if we all are willing also to follow).  From every corner of the organization volunteers stepped up to lend her a hand-on-top-of-hand guide to manipulate the mouse; offer a kick-start to her efforts to “reboot” the computer; stand behind and rub her tense shoulders as she peered nervously into the flat panel monitor screen; etc…. 

Carol allowed me to feel a part of the colossal success and rallying of the troops by teaching her how to re-organize the contents of her “inbox” and referred to me as a “genius” in the process.  This was typical of Carol; always gracious and humble; always giving more than she gets even when she is “getting” something that you are trying to give.  If you try to do something nice and supportive for Carol it is as if she were a living, breathing schoolyard taunt…. “I’m rubber and you are glue.  Whatever you say (nice) to me bounces off and sticks to you.”

In no time Carol was an expert on the computer and once again a rallying point for the entire workforce.

So… on to my home wrecking ways…..

Feeling confident in our newfound relationship Carol later approached me to discuss a “personal problem.”  She asked if I could take her car and fill up the gas tank.  Of course I was more than glad to provide such a simple service following a simple request.  How hard is it to get gas for someone?  But then it struck me; was there something more that I could do to help?  It occurred to me that such a simple request so easily granted could not possibly accrue to being a true service to someone.  Why would they not just do it themselves and save their “chips” for a bigger more beneficial favor?

So I asked her why she wanted me to fill her gas tank and this is what she said, “Roy (her husband) got laid off about six months ago and he finally found a new job.  They (his new employer) sent him away for training and this week is the first time in 35 years of marriage that we have not slept in the same bed.  Roy has always insisted on filling up my gas tank for me.  He considered it a “man’s responsibility” to take care of the car.  He was so stressed out about getting ready for his trip that he forgot to check my tank.  He’s gone and I am out of gas.”

This was typical of Carol to go through such a huge change and challenge in her life without one peep of complaint.  No one knew Roy had been laid off or that he was away on a trip for the first time.

I said, “well Carol, certainly you don’t want me to fill in for Roy in any way do you?  Why don’t you just put gas in your car yourself?”

She said, “I don’t know how to!  I haven’t done it since I was sixteen years old and those new machines are just so intimidating.  I don’t think I could do it.”

I assured her that she would do just fine and that given her recent success with the computer system the gas pump would be a piece of cake.

The next day she came into work and I asked her, “So…. How did you make out at the gas station?”

Carol told me that she had gone to the gas station and watched other people pump gas for a few minutes and realized that the station was so busy and everyone was in such a rush she did not want the pressure of pumping gas in a hurry.  So she crossed herself with a little silent prayer that she would have enough gas to get home and back to work again (notice that work and home were her most comfortable and safe places to be and that without the relationships she earned and developed she did not feel secure) and drove off feeling like a failure.  Lon she said, “can you please go get me gas?”

Reluctantly I agreed.

On my way to the gas station I remembered the parable; “if you give a man a fish he will eat for a day… If you teach a man to fish he will…. sit in a boat and drink beer all day…. But alas, he will also eat for a lifetime.”  So I pulled a U-turn and went back to work and walked directly up to Carol and said, “let’s go… you are coming with me.”

She objected of course saying she was too busy and asking, “where are we going?”

My response:  “we are going fishing.”

Carol and I then proceeded to the gas station and in one simple lesson I “taught” her how to pump gas.  She took to it very naturally and took on a self-satisfied glow as quickly as her old Dodge Charger took on gas.

The next day she Carol came into work and resigned her position!

I was shocked and stunned.  Exasperated I asked; “Carol, what happened?”

And Carol said, “Lon… thank you so much!  You have changed my life.  I’ve wanted to leave Roy for over 30 years but I knew I couldn’t get any further than West Virginia on only one tank of gas.  Now, thanks to you, I can get all the way to California before Roy gets back from his business trip.  Thank you Lon, you changed my life!”

This ending, starting with Carol’s resignation, is of course, a joke up until her comment that I changed her life.  I (or at least, the demands of her position) did indeed change Carol’s life. She didn’t leave Roy but she did go much further than any of us ever expected her to go.  Once tackling the computer and the gas station all in one week she then took on a new hobby and is now starting a private consulting business helping other Baby Boomers and Traditionalists handle some of the “sandwich” generation stresses involved with caring for aging parents.  She has all the knowledge and experience in the world and now, she can go anywhere she needs to offer her services; even West of West Virginia!

--Lon Kieffer