"Lon Kieffer, Male NURSE!?"

The Top Ten Ways We Keep Ourselves from

Achieving Our Own Goals!

SHOULD STATEMENTS

... How we build or destroy our own confidence levels has a direct correlation to how much and at what level we achieve our goals.  Self-confidence and self-motivation are key words in the lexicon of today.  We tend to be a "do it yourself" society.  Just go to Lowe's or Home Depot when they offer the "do it yourself" training and you'll see what I mean.  I talk about this in my live "Get Out of Bed and Go To Work!" engagements and how a desire for a similar sense of accomplishment drove me to become a speaker.   I like to walk around the house and say to people; 'I did it myself' that is until I hear them say, "Yeah, we can tell."

One negative bi-product associated with "do it yourself" behavior is less noticeable, yet far more destructive than a bad paint job in the dining room, is a recognizable and well-intentioned method of self-motivation.  I am talking about SHOULD STATEMENTS; where we motivate ourselves by saying, "I should do this" or "I must do that."  These statements cause you to feel pressured and resentful.

Keep this little riddle in mind:

Whenever I say, "SHOULD," I really mean I WOULD if only I COULD

While thinking I CAN'T, which means that I WON'T, and so I DON'T

Now, if I simply did the things that I SHOULD instead I'd say "I'M DONE!"

Meaning that really I COULD so why say, "SHOULD" when I could be DONE?

Said another way by Vincent Van Gogh ~~"If you hear a voice within you say, "you can not paint," then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced."

Instead we say, "I SHOULD eat better; I SHOULD clean the house; I SHOULD go back to school.  We say these things as if we need to whip ourselves into action.  As if we would NEVER do anything good or positive without first punishing ourselves.  Thus, you cannot win!  Even if you do the thing you SHOULD do, your accomplishment and self-confidence are diminished by the negative emotions experienced when you use SHOULD STATEMENTS as a source of motivation.  Frankly, this is a SHOULDY ATTITUDE! (Say it out loud!-- ;)

SHOULD STATEMENTS generate emotional turmoil.  When the reality of your own behavior falls short of your standards, your SHOULDS and SHOULDN'TS create self-loathing, shame, and guilt.  This is the lose-lose, "damned if you do, damned if you don't" byproduct of SHOULD STATEMENTS.  

I believe that anyone with a SHOULDY ATTITUDE is asking to be SASSed Back in order to turn his or her attitude around.  Thus, my technique for a SHOULDY ATTITUDE is the SASS BACK method-- where whatever the argument is, you argue the opposite.  SASS stands for putting:  SHOULDN'T AGAINST SHOULD STATEMENTS.  Here is how SASS works.  Whenever someone makes a SHOULD STATEMENT you challenge this with a SHOULD NOT statement.  Remember when you were a kid and you played the WHY - WHY NOT game where whenever someone said, "WHY?" you answered "WHY NOT?"  It's the same way.  Eventually the SHOULD falls away because the SHOULD NOT is just as good an argument.  In the end, if SHOULD and SHOULD NOT are the same then you are free to do whatever you want without guilt or remorse.

Read this dialogue to see what I mean.

"I SHOULD go for a run tonight!" said my friend Jim with a strong negative tone.

"No.  You SHOULD NOT run tonight!" I said as my SASSy-Bad self!

Jim:  "I SHOULD!"

Me: "You SHOULD NOT!  According to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, on average, 5000 pedestrians per year are killed in motor vehicle accidents; a good many of them while jogging."

Jim:  "Yeah, but I need to lose weight and improve my cardiovascular health."

Me:  "You ARE NOT going to lose weight and improve your health in one night.  If you've never run before, tonight won't make a difference; if you run regularly, missing tonight won't make a difference.  ONE RUN won't make a difference so why beat yourself up?"

Jim:  "But I WANT to go for a run!"

Me:  "Then by all means, have fun, take a run.  Let me know when you are done!"

Dr. Burns (see Reading Recommendations) does the same thing when he argues; "You SHOULD have eaten the ice-cream" in response to a self-mutilating "I SHOULD NOT have eaten that ice-cream" statement made during a session with one of his dieting patients.  I use this running scenario intentionally.  In my keynote "Get Out of Bed and Go to Work!" step one of the "How To Manual" is that; "you must know what time it is!" because every day we wake up and start running on the treadmill of life.  Without building awareness of where we are and where we are going we are destined to run as we FLEE FAILURE rather than SEEK SUCCESS!  Run as celebration, not as a punishment or avoidance; and keep your eyes on the road lest you get hit by a car!

 A quick note on "MUST STATEMENTS" made by others.  MUST is much more forceful than SHOULD because it is usually coming from an external source such as a manager or supervisor to motivate others.  MUST statements put an undue sense of urgency on things (I talk about this in my keynote; see the slide excerpt:  "Some Day we are going to die!"); this is primarily a form of expressing anxiety NOT a tool toward accomplishing objectives. 

Albert Ellis, Ph.D., (see this month's Famous Quotes) refers to this as MUSTerbation.  This makes only one person feel better; everyone else feels worse and little is accomplished.  Keep in mind that those using this management technique are in pain....  I SHOULD write more about this... I WOULD... if only I COULD... but I'm out of space so I WON'T.... another time? 

I'm DONE!