By Cliff Kuhn, M.D.
The Laugh Doctor
“It all starts with a SMILE”   http://www.drcliffordkuhn.com/meet.htm

The holiday season presents us with a strange and unsettling
paradox. While we’re constantly bombarded with images of loving
families enjoying the holidays, more people commit suicide
during this season than at any other time. How do we reconcile
this (and how do we avoid it ourselves)?

I believe some of the depression is caused by the constant
reruns of bad Christmas specials. Do we really need to see
“Rudolph’s Shiny New Year” for the twelfth evening in a row?

Actually I believe those Christmas specials do play a role in
the depression. As do the commercials. And the retail
displays. You see, this is a time when we are overloaded with
images of how we’re “supposed” to feel - iconic images of loving
families gathering to share their common joy.

But, just as Victoria’s Secret models don’t really exist, but
are a creation of Madison Avenue, so too are those holiday
families. Advertisers know we buy more when we are unhappy
(that is a sad fact in the advertising business). It’s called
bait and switch. Advertisers have long employed a simple
formula - make you unhappy, then offer you the solution.

I’m not demonizing advertisers here! Nor blaming anyone for how
I (or anyone else) feels. I’m simply giving you permission to
free yourself from any unrealistic expectations you might be
tempted to place on yourself during these holidays. Everyone’s
family is ripe for uncomfortable moments! Heck, some of us
don’t have any “family” at all!

Take charge of your state of mind during these holidays! When
you see an unrealistic holiday image, smile and tell yourself,
“Good for them; although that’s not how my life looks, I love MY
LIFE thank you!” Use your humor nature and the ensuing
childlike spirit to find your fun wherever you are and on your
terms!

It’ll be the most important gift you receive this holiday!

Lon considered this article to be a gift in and of itself; and he wanted to share it here on his blog!  Thanks to Cifford Kuhn, The Laugh Doctor!

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Lon Kieffer is proud to announce the re-launch and re-vitalization of an old program; 'Defending the Caregiver!" in a new format.  A one-man play, a Dramedy (comedic drama), celebrating, "The Caregiver!"  To learn more visit:  www.DefendingTheCaregiver.com

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Lon Kieffer, author of "Get Out of Bed and Go to Work!", Speaker, Consultant, Expert on Workplace Culture Change and Generational Conflicts, gives seminars, keynote and plenary addresses, runs annual sales meetings, and provides Common Sense Consulting at:  ...

The other day I was speaking with some colleagues who were stressed out and complaining.

They were upset because, despite having overcome some very significant obstacles and performed above and beyond expectations they'd been subjected to a cursory critique about the cleanliness of their workplace by an off-site manager.

"Isn’t it nice to know," one of them said, "that in the end, all that matters is if my desk is clean?" 

Now, apply your inherent perspective to this observation; if your base is sarcasm then this is a negative observation; if you are rooted in optimism this can be an epiphany like awareness that is positive.

The negative person is left with; "no matter what I do the cleanliness of my desk is what matters!"-and they can grow increasingly bitter because they feel unappreciated unless their desk is clean and feel belittled at the thought of gaining appreciation for cleaning a desk rather than doing good deeds. 

The optimistic person is left with; "no matter what I do the cleanliness of my desk is what matters!" - and they can grow increasingly positive knowing that "if I clean my desk everyone is happy and they will leave me alone."

There is a third scenario however, and that is the manipulative personality who quickly learns; "no matter what I do the cleanliness of my desk is what matters!" - and they clean their desk knowing they can get away with unsatisfactory performance so long as their desk remains clean.

The results are in:

The negative (complaining people) will continue to do everything but refuse to clean their desk and become more negative and more complaining.

The optimistic people will continue to do everything AND clean their desk and become more optimistic and more positive.

The manipulative people will continue to do nothing but keep their desk squeaky clean, get promoted and begin to make observations about the cleanliness of your desk.

So, nothing has changed accept a few desks got cleaned and one person got promoted to take the place of...

A friend was moving, and asked if I would help.

I quickly said yes- too quickly as it turned out. By the tenth box of heavy books I’d packed and carried to the front porch, I realized what was wrong.

It wasn’t my aching back or stuffed sinuses; it was the resentment gnawing at me. This move had taken me away from some important family matters, and now I was angry and irritated at myself for having agreed to help.  

What good was my help if it turned my giving in to martyrdom? Why do I sometimes say yes when I want to say no? Wasn’t there some way to strike a balance between my own needs and those of others? (This is a common plight of Caregivers!)

Here are some tips on how to become a "Glad-Caregiver!" 

1. Give yourself time to make the right decision.  My son John (Note: My son's name is Stephen, this Blog is based on an article by Marilyn Morgan Helleberg; credits to follow) is an automotive technician, and when his friends ask him to fix their cars on his days off, I often hear him say, “I need to see what my weekend is like before I say for sure.” John is always generous with his help, but he’s honest about making sure that it fits into his schedule. Now, when someone asks me to take on an extra job, I’ve learned from John to ask first if I can think about it. Before saying yes in the enthusiasm of the moment, I consider my choice.

2. Then “let your yes be yes and your no be no”   A few years ago I was asked to be a chaperone at a youth group’s dance. “Not this month,” I said. “Maybe some other time.” The truth was that loud music always gives me a splitting headache. Even so, trying to soften my no, I’d left the door wide open for them to ask me again. The next time they called I felt I had to do it, no matter the headache. Now I try to make my "no" clear from the start, and then see if I can do something else-say, write the group’s newsletter in the peace and quiet of home.

3. Be specific about when. A couple of months ago a friend needed help steaming off her wallpaper. Gladly I offered to give her a hand “from one o’clock to four.” What a time we had taking off the ugly red roses, candy stripes, the strawberries and then the green-and-yellow plaid. At four o’clock I stopped, so I was fresh enough to volunteer the next day-when we got down to the purple orchids. Being clear about my time commitment, I knew I had time to do other chores.

4. Stay self-centered. I’ve found that when I’m solidly grounded and taking care of myself before trying to care for other's I’m in a better position to make decisions about those things I...

Today, on Wednesday, yes, Humpday, for a myriad of various reasons; not necessarily good reasons but reasons made good necessarily good, I am preparing our extended families’ annual “Day Before Thanksgiving” meal.

Late last night, I returned from travel abroad. 

While I truly love visiting other cultures and environments I must say I feel a familiar comfort once I retur home.

Today, I will simply say, “Happy Thanksgiving!” to all… and a Happy Humpday as well!

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Lon Kieffer is proud to announce the re-launch and re-vitalization of an old program; 'Defending the Caregiver!" in a new format.  A one-man play, a Dramedy (comedic drama), celebrating, "The Caregiver!"  To learn more visit:  www.DefendingTheCaregiver.com

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Lon Kieffer, author of "Get Out of Bed and Go to Work!", Speaker, Consultant, Expert on Workplace Culture Change and Generational Conflicts, gives seminars, keynote and plenary addresses, runs annual sales meetings, and provides Common Sense Consulting at:  www.LonKieffer.com. He can be reached at:  (302) 462-6748 on Facebook or via email at:  This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

I will never forget the Herm Edwards post-game press conference when, as the coach of New York Jets in the midst of a losing streak, he “went off” on a reporter who asked him if losing mattered anymore.

In a classic Hermism he said, “This is what’s great about sports. This is what the greatest thing about sports is. You play to win the game. Hello? You play to win the game. You don’t play it to just play it. That’s the great thing about sports: you play to win, and I don’t care if you don’t have any wins. You go play to win. When you start tellin’ me it doesn’t matter, then retire. Get out! ‘Cause it matters.” 

This is quite a bit different than my usual Blogs, however, as I sit here on the Eve of the 2009 Girls Field Hockey Delaware State Championship game I am pondering life, family, love, winning, losing, and learning. 

You see, my daughter Taylor is a Junior in High School and is a critical part of one of the teams playing in this team.  And at this stage in her young life, this game is HUGE!

One of the tag lines in my speaking business is; Love, Laugh, and Learn with Lon.

Those are my only goals for tomorrow: Love, Laugh and Learn!

I feel the same way in my career when I see people around me give their blood sweat and tears (literally) to the job and then see themselves judged only by the outcomes; not their efforts.  This especially applies to my Caregivers (join us at:  Defender of Caregivers on Facebook)!

Yes, “you play to win the game!”– but please, Love, Laugh and Learn along the way.

The outcomes are sometimes beyond our control!

But I can not argue with Herm Edwards, because, afterall, “You play to win the game!”

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Lon Kieffer is proud to announce the re-launch and re-vitalization of an old program; 'Defending the Caregiver!" in a new format.  A one-man play, a Dramedy (comedic drama), celebrating, "The Caregiver!"  To learn more visit:  www.DefendingTheCaregiver.com

 *  *  *

Lon Kieffer, author of "Get Out of Bed and Go to Work!", Speaker, Consultant, Expert on Workplace Culture Change and Generational Conflicts, gives seminars, keynote and plenary addresses, runs annual sales meetings, and provides Common Sense Consulting at:  ...

We have all heard the saying, "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach."

Here is a lesson from my own personal observations, "... a lot of women are a lot like men!"

Take it from me, I should know!  You see, I chose a stereo-typically "woman's" career; or so was the thinking when I entered Nursing School in 1980 at the University of Maryland.  Back then there were over 300 students in the program; 7 of us men. 

Two things happened:

1. I learned that women were not as mysterious as I thought; they were much like men.
2. The women decided that if a moron like me could go to Nursing School they were going to  go to Medical School...

So you see, I have been a trend setter my entire life! 

And along the way, I have made some genuinely unique observations, like; "women (while at work or with "just the Girls") think nothing of eating from the same fork." 

...

… When Opportunity Knocks?

It was business as usual.  My favorite client and I were trying to resolve a conflict and, as usual, she was running off at a hundred miles per hour feverishly working, looking for a solution. 

She had consulted me to help analyze her Workplace Culture and make recommendations to help reduce some Generational Conflicts.  The "old-guard" in her company wanted to maintain the status quo. The new-blood in the organization wanted to establish different work flows.  

The interesting thing, once we slowed down and looked at the demographics is that this Generational issue was not an "age" issue; the Generations were defined in the context of longevity or tenure.  In this case the average age of the "new blood" was actually older than the "old guard" of existing employees. 

Having slowed down long enough to look at this un-emotionally; I could see we had some Generational tools available to address the Workplace Culture issues.  I was ready to share my findings.

The biggest obstacle, however, was my client!

She was completely unaffected by any of this; her solution to all problems was to simply work harder and faster.  She held no preferences or preconception of the "right" way to perform the tasks; she simply wanted them done!

Every time I set up a meeting with my client to share my observations it turned into a one-way street of communication. 

It reminded me of the old joke; "what are you doing?  This is a one-way street!"

...

It's Humpday Dumpday time!  It's Humpday Dumpday time!

That's how my weekly "status update" on Facebook reads; I then give a link to this blog.

Yes, in a weird and backwards sort of way this blog is talking about, well; this blog.   Kind of a Déjà vu of sorts!

We have been here and done this before!

Two of my "friends" (and I use "quotes" because that is what Facebook lists them as being rather than because of my typical sarcastic use of "quotes" as if saying "NOT") responded with an interesting dialogue. 

One "friend" said; "the question is whether or not Humpty Dumpty was liked well enough that his subjects would put him back together again?"  Another "friend" responded; "it's not important if your subjects 'like' you; it matters if they respect you; if they know that you are in their corner so that they "would put you back together again."

When I was a kid whenever one of my friends or sisters would stop and say; "whoa... I am having some serious Déjà vu (French; meaning:  "Already seen")."  I would always say, "not me; I'm having Vuja da-I have never been here and never done this before!  Let's go!!"

Years later, one of my favorite comics, Stephen Wright, had a joke that he once experienced; "amnesia and Déjà vu at the same time" where he; "couldn't remember experience something before."

Which brings me full circle to one of my older "co-workers" (I use quotes here because if she were NOT a co-worker I would simply call her a "Friend" - but I don't think she is on Facebook yet!); who recently joked that; "where are my golden years?"

I said, "You are living them!"

"Yeah right!" she said.

To which I said; "your life is perfect, you just don't know it yet!" (I learned this sometimes annoying but true statement from my friend Commander Drew Brown at www.DrewBrown.net)

"Yeah right!" she said again.

"No seriously... you are having Amesia and Déjà vu at the same time; you can't remember experiencing this before!"

"What are you talking about?"

I then reminded her of our earlier days together where we cried on each other's shoulders: abuse relationships (not with each other); health scares; career failures; child issues; failed marriages, etc... 

In perspective; THESE ARE THE BEST DAYS OF OUR LIVES!  These ARE the GOLDEN YEARS!  You have never been here before;...

I was talking to a Caregiver the other day.

This Caregiver had recently been in a position to need a Caregiver and had found it difficult to accept.

As we spoke she told me the hardest part of her recent illness, a very serious illness, was that she had not expected it or seen it coming.  Then we stumbled onto an interesting phenomenon.  It was because of her chronically positive outlook on life that blinded her to her growing condition.

Every morning she wakes up, she is in a good mood!  I have witnessed this over the ye  ars. 

If she were one to wake up and feel every ache and pain; to complain about every slight ailment and run to the doctor; she would have been diagnosed earlier.  Instead, she has a positive outlook about everything; a confidence that she is fine, or going to be fine!

So, as a result she accepted something that was "not normal" as "normal" and just continued to "Get Out of Bed and Go to Work!"

We are all, as I call it, "in search of normal" in some fashion.  Some of us naturally assume that what we have is somehow not good enough; somehow not normal.  As a result, we are quick to jump onto whatever cause; whatever ailment; we can use to label our current state in the hopes that we can improve it or change it.

We may also run around searching for answers, seeking treatment, and expecting cures for normal aging, normal stresses; lack of motivation or action.

Yet here, in an ironic twist, her positive outlook, her motivation and action, blinded her to her own needs.  "You might be a Caregiver if... you are so busy caring for others you fail to realize when you yourself are in need of assistance!"

Build a team of support around yourself; find people who love you enough to hurt you!  Find someone who will say, "Girl, that just ain't right!  You need help!!!"

But most of all; when you need help... accept it!

Lon Kieffer is proud to announce the re-launch and re-vitalization of an old program; 'Defending the Caregiver!" in a new format.  A one-man play, a Dramedy (comedic drama), celebrating, "The Caregiver!"  To learn more visit:  www.DefendingTheCaregiver.com

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